beautiful things is it tea time?

16 - ginger - poppy - successful ldr

that's all you need to know

{rosy, beautiful, fitspo, pale, pretty}

feel free to message me, i don't bite x always time for tea

i like some music, some movies, some tv, some books, some things..

HAPPY -most of the time

twitter & insta: @poppyleprechaun

i think i pretty much know what its like to be invisible now

im sorry about that i just needed to vent :x

i can’t take this anymore. i feel like just giving up. this is horrible. i want to do something about this, stop myself before i get any worse but i dont know what to do, none of my friends take me seriously anymore, its just ‘the usual’ theres always something wrong with ruth. its not even poppy anymore, its just ruth. its like everyone has stopped caring because well theres always something wrong with me why would this time be any different? its like the boy who cried wolf.. i feel completely alone. and i know i sound selfish. but its everything piled up.
first im just scared, about my health. i dont like it, knowing the truth. i know i cant have children but im only 16, i dont know how im supposed to feel about it, i was alone with that all summer until i told a couple of my close friends but nothing changed, it hasnt gotten any easier and theres still the fact that i can never have a proper family, although i dont even know if i want that or not. and all for what? so i got skinny, i essentially sacrificed my future family so i could look skinnier. what kind of monster does that make me?
second is school. it has given me so many more reasons to hate myself. i am alone in most of my classes, almost invisible to the teachers and my classmates. i even feel invisible around my friends. im just irrelevant and unimportant. im stressed, and thats understandable, everyone is stressed. but im scared and sad. im not smart. im not doing very well at school.. im working so so hard and doing extra work and study just to stay on top of my subjects, but its too much. if i go down to pass in some subjects then yeah im making things easier but i feel like im failing myself. i had my first panic attack in school this year only two weeks in over a tiny irish test.
third is my friends. i am invisible. i blend into the background. theres nothing special about me. im just the one who complains about starving herself and who bakes sometimes. and i hate myself for this, but its like some of them are trying to make me feel worse by pointing out how i dont know the latest gossip or news or how i havnt even met the new additions to the group. do i even matter? one of my bestest friends doesnt even trust me anymore, she kept her new boyfriend a secret from me, like i know its stupid but like she told her other friends before me and its like im ranked lower than all her other friends. like everyone has their ‘best friend’ or closest friend, but its never me.
its my own fault i guess. i am just off lately that i feel like i could break down and cry every minute and i dont want to be seen like that. honestly i feel like if i killed myself, they wouldnt notice until maybe a weeks after or when my parents told them.
killing myself. wow. thats something that hasnt crossed my mind in a while.
i know im weird in that ive always had trouble making friends and fitting in, but its after getting so much worse.
i know ‘how could you be so selfish?’ ‘your life is perfect, your skinny, you have a loving family, you have an iphone, what more could you want?’ ‘there are people worse off that you’
i am selfish. and i am sorry. believe me, i hate myself so so much for how selfish i am. i dont deserve to get better. i dont know what i deserve..
another problem; i have my boyfriend. long distance relationship. yeah its so fucking hard and i hate it. i just love him so much, hes the one thing im sure of. but im scare of loosing him. hes starting uni and i can just see him leaving me, replacing me, forgetting about me. i dont want to loose him. im so scared.
another; i run. im good, i know i am. ive worked really really hard to get good. i have friends at running, but recently i got told by one of them how everyone else there talks about me behind my back. its nothing i know, but i feel like i dont belong there anymore. yesterday at training i had an asthma attack which triggered a panic attack when i couldnt catch my breath and i just broke down panicing, gasping and crying.. i felt so ashamed.
all this is probably nothing. im probably over reacting. but i just feel it all piling up inside me.
but thats nothing new, because there is always something ‘piling up inside me’. what if this is it, what if i am always going to have problems hurting me like this? is it worth it? life?
i just feel so alone and i dont know what to do. i dont think i can talk to anyone because i feel like im bothering everyone.


do you ever want to sleep for 14 years without waking up

(via illusiono)

jesus:i died on the cross for your sins
me:aint nobody tell u to do that tho
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